some days are harder than others. some days you know you have pushed too hard for too long, not been gentle enough, and tears flow more freely than feels comfortable. some days sitting quietly without a single word to share gets you through. some days you need to pour it all of your head, out of your heart- drudge it up then slowly gather back every broken piece and place them together again.
today- the 20th of october, marks 2 months since eli's birth and death. two months that feel like an eternity and a flash of light all at the same time. most days are good, but some are not.
as i struggle to shake the dark cloud that glooms over me this morning, i realize these days are always needed. tears still need to escape, sadness and grief still need to be felt. after all, the sting of sorrow is what makes the sweetness of good days that much sweeter.
this past weekend i worked up the courage to use my tarot cards again. i have had a hard time using this deck - it continually gives me messages that are needed to be heard, but often incredibly hard to work through. this weekend though, i drew one single card, asking simply for a message to help get through this next phase of life. something i needed to hear to continue moving forward. and the message i received was loud, clear, and welcome.
nine of wands | by kim krans
'as nines usually imply, your journey is nearing completion. but on this final stretch you find yourself growing weary, with doubt and fear running through your mind. the nine of wands asks you to rally your confidence and realize how far you've come. lift your eyes and take a few more steps. soon all your hard work will start to pay off.'