Monday, December 2, 2013

roo

today marks what would have been roo's due date.

there is a big part of me that feels uncomfortable sharing any of this- i think mostly because it drudges up hard feelings. feelings i thought i had managed to move past. but also by avoiding writing this, i somehow felt more healed. i never wanted to come across as broken. like this sad woman that was dwelling or still grieving or just couldn't talk about anything else. but the further we travel along this path, the more i have realized how many others have experienced a similar journey, and how everyone processes the steps along the way so differently. it's amazing and incredible and humbling and so sad all at the same time. but the one thing i have taken from all of this is - there will always be someone out there with a sadder story than yours, and as awful as it sounds, knowing that got me through some of our hardest days.

when i think back to july 12th, all i wanted in those first few days was to be past that point. i remember saying to jeff that i wished we could fast forward to 3 months from then and be beyond the ugliest part. be past that day. that week. that entire month. i never wanted people to feel sorry for us or awkward being around me. for someone who loathes being the centre of attention, there was no escaping it in that moment. i think the hardest part for me was that i truly didn't want any of my 4 friends who were pregnant at the time to in any way feel that my loss dampened my complete overjoy for them and the new journey they were about the start. what was meant to be such an exciting time for all of us, suddenly felt so fractured, and i didnt want that to trickle down to any of them.

we decided to have an autopsy done after roo's passing. i was hesitant at first- just wanting to chop it all up to fate and move on. but i think i was actually more worried the results would came back and say it was my fault. something i did or didnt do caused him to not develop like he should have. the doctors really pushed for us to have the tests done, touting that having some answers could help with closure or decisions around future pregnancy's. in the moment it felt like we were bullied into doing it, but to be honest, i am now grateful we did. we found out that roo had trisome-21, or down syndrome. we had declined any genetic pre-screening, and thinking back, we wouldn't have changed our decision around that. jeff and i both know in our hearts we would have wanted to continued the pregnancy even if we had known in advance that roo had down syndrome, so to have spent time going through so many invasive tests, being poked and prodded, sitting though so many heartbreaking stories and statistics, working through all the emotions that would have surfaced, AND THEN, to lose him. I cant even imagine. i am grateful that the 19 weeks roo spent inside me was filled with love- he was never questioned, we never had to justify why we wanted to keep him and never once was i sad or heart broken or unsure. he only knew (and still only knows) the purist of love, and for that, i am thankful.

never have jeff and i ever wonder why this happened to us. we never felt angry or cheated or resentful. this has really been a journey towards deeper understanding. from the start we were able to  accept that this was meant to be part of our life's path- something beyond our control that for some reason, we needed to get through. but also, we have finn- a healthy, happy, beautiful, hilarious, spirited little boy that has changed us for the better in ways i cant even begin to explain. and for that, our hearts will always be completely full.

in the days and weeks after losing roo, anytime i felt particularly low, i would ALWAYS see small white moths fluttering around. they seemed to follow me wherever i went this summer and because of that, they will always be a gentle reminder of the sweet boy we never got to meet. they will forever bring a smile to my face and calmness to my heart knowing that somewhere out there, he is smiling at us.

sweet roo- you will always be SO loved.

xoxo,
mama

the day that i got home from the hospital, i was fixated on finding the perfect christmas ornament for roo. i spent hours on etsy searching/ distracting myself. i found this waldorf inspired angel ornament- a fundraiser for kathreen ricketson & rob shugg's two children, daughter Otilija and son Orlando. its beautiful, simple and exactly what i envision when i think of roo. it also came with an incredibly sad story that helped keep my perspective and emotions a bit more balanced.
you can read more about kathlreen ricketson and rob shugg here

the first gift i was given for roo were these beautiful handknit booties from my dear friend, sarah. when i was packing up some of the things i had collected for roo, i knew these booties belonged to him- i didnt have an emotional attachment to very many other things, but these will stay in our little box of roo's things. 

this was the first thing i bought for roo. my girlfriend becky was visiting for the weekend (when she was around 4 months pregnant). we shopped a lot for her new babe, and i couldnt resist getting a little something for roo too.

6 comments:

  1. With tears in my eyes, I send you beams of love. You are a kind & loving soul, and your family is honey sweet. xo

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    1. awww carina- youre far too sweet, my dear. thank you for your endless love and support and for being part of our vancouver family.words arent even enough to express how much i love you! xoxo

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  2. Super brave of you to share something like this. You seem to be remembering him in a happy way, which I'm sure is what he would have wanted.

    Thoughts with you all

    chloex

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    1. thank you chloe. your sweet words mean so much. xo

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  3. Jessica,

    you are amazing! thank you for sharing such a deeply personal post. your outlook on this situation and on life is truly inspiring. keep shining bright mama! hugs!!

    love,
    Kelly

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    1. kelly. thank you. it means everything to hear you say this. we are doing the best we can, and its good to know that other people think its good enough. you're a wonderful inspiration my dear, thank you for all your support these last few crazy months. xoxo

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